By Daniel Rigney
originally posted in Danagram on Open Salon, 2011
I’m a Wordie. I enjoy a breakfast of scrambled words almost every morning when I play the Jumble pun and puzzle game in our local newspaper. This morning I was having more trouble than usual solving the day’s puzzle, so finally in desperation I visited an old friend, the Internet Anagram Server (itself an anagram of “I, Rearrangement Servant”) to get some research assistance.
As I goofed online, I began to play with anagrams for the names of leading Republicans being discussed as potential presidential contenders in 2012. I typed the name of Sarah Palin into the search box. Here’s what I learned about her name and the names of several of her frenemies in the presidential primary.
Sarah Palin and her followers, I soon discovered, are known in Anagramistan as La Piranhas. I did not know until just now that she has a Sharia Plan spelled out and lying hidden in her name. Her name also encrypts her association with a parish in Louisiana whose name I can’t print here for reasons of good taste.
As I explored the anagram website further, I discovered that almost everyone’s name, including my own, contains words that would offend delicate sensibilities. I’ll omit these from today’s column, but you could easily find them for yourself if you really wanted to. That’s all I’m going to say.
Poor Mitt Romney. When I typed his name, the first two anagrams to come up were Metro Minty and Memory Tint. I don’t know about the mint, but I think he may have begun showing signs of political amnesia soon after he left the governorship of Massachusetts. Moving to the national stage seems to have colored his perspective on some issues.
Michele Bachmann. Michele, my belle. Why were you too modest to tell us you have the gift to soothe and tame the most extreme elements in your party – the reddest of the red meat Republicans? Why didn’t you just say “I becalm henchman”?
And you, Herman Cain. You could have told us that when you were CEO of Godfather’s Pizza you ran machine. Was that a pizza-making machine or a corporate syndicate? But on the positive side, I’m glad to see you have inane charm. I gather that brand of charm is a big seller in your party. Keep working on your brand.
Ron Paul, I didn’t need an anagram generator to know that you’re an ideological anagram of Rand Paul, Paul Ryan, and Ayn Rand. Are you all from the same pod? And do you all have your earth certificates? I’m just asking. The best real anagrams I could find for you are interesting, though: oral pun and a pol run -- both worthy candidates for your campaign bumper stickers.
Jon Huntsman? Move along, folks. There’s nothing to see here. For reasons of taste I can’t use anagrams that contain the words “nut man” and “man nuts.” It wouldn’t be right. Maybe David Letterman can do something with these in his regular “squirrels in Central Park” bit.
Rick Santorum? Tell me more about these Catkin rumours. Aren’t catkins a unisexual plant according to biologists? What’s up with that? We’ll skip the “trick” jokes and go right to foreign policy. Do you really want to start a war in Iran? What does Iran Must Rock mean?
Rick Perry, the only thing you need in your name is the letter “a.” Then you’d be Rick Prayer, and you’d have one.
Oh, Donald. Where have you gone as a nation turns its lonely eyes to you? Bad people are saying that you’re a Damn Turd Pol and an Old Rant Dump. Why do they hate your success? Why do they hate America?
Newt Gingrich is out of it now, as you know, having resigned from his staff last week. He must have had a good time in the Greek Islands. His name spells Crew Night Gin and (later that same night?) Retching Wing. You can look it up.
And we haven’t even begun to explore the implications of 2012 for the U.S. Congress. While the Republican side of its chambers scores guns, the Democrats stay home and sing curse songs. No wonder nothing constructive gets done up there on the hill.
Finally we come to the Supreme Court, caught between Prohibition’s past (Prosecute Rum) and the digital future (Computer User). [Text to self: delete anagram “up sore rectum” before publishing. Imprudent.]
We’ll anagram the Democrats next time. We’re nothing if not fair and balanced here. But remember: We don’t make up these 'grams. We just report them. You decide whether to pass them on to friends and loved ones, and to the gag and headline writers at MSNBC, Comedy Central, Letterman, O'Brien, Poundstone, Fallon, The Onion, and MAD Magazine. Use without my permission. Attribution appreciated.
Wordplay wants to be free. Word nerds of the world unite.
Until next time, thank you Republicans for providing so many high Caliber Puns. Too bad the Republican presidential hopefuls are such a Crab Lineup.
By the way, my name is Delay Reign (no plans to run this year), Inlaid Energy (fired up and ready to go), Realigned Yin, and Endearingly I. What’s your name in Anagramistan?
http://open.salon.com/blog/danagram
Daniel Rigney, a.k.a. Rimshot the Sitdown Comic
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