By Daniel Rigney
To survive and replicate themselves, colleges and universities must continually approach wealthy alumni and friends to plead for generous donations to Alma Mater. Wealthy donors in turn often seek, through “naming gifts,” to ensure that large buildings and stadiums are named in their honor as enduring monuments to themselves and their fortunes. Biologists call this sort of ecological relationship “symbiosis.” University administrators call it the “circle of life.” In many instances, entire colleges and universities have been named after their wealthy benefactors, much in the way that professional sports arenas are now named after their corporate sponsors and benefactors. Thus, for instance, an institution might agree to name itself “Ozymandias University” in exchange for a rich donor’s substantial investment in architectural or monumental immortality.
One of the keys to a successful fundraising campaign, such as a naming or capital campaign, is to find a campaign theme so catchy that large dollars fairly leap from the deep pockets of potential donors. Herewith are a few imaginary campaign slogans we offer free of charge to colleges and universities, real or imaginary, as they prepare for their next round of fundraising and institutional identity management.
Note that in some instances the institution in question has already sold its name, and perhaps more than its name, to philanthropic patrons and corporations in exchange for the precious gift of survival.
Trump University: Towering Intellect. Towering Pride.
Yale University: The Campaign to Stay Ahead of Princeton
Auburn University: Building a University the Football Team Can Be Proud Of
Exxon Mobil School of Mines: Drilling for Dollars
Doritos University: The Dream of Surpassing the University of Phoenix
University of Notre Dame: God’s Will and Yours
Boston College: Leave It To Us (For God’s Sake, Don’t Give It to Notre Dame).
Microsoft University: Algorithms for a Sustainable Future
Apple University: Core Values for Seedy Growth.
University of Chicago: Hogwarts Without the Magic
McDonald’s University: Caps and Gowns for Saps and Clowns
Google College: The Search for Tomorrow
T. Boone Pickens Institute of Technology: Send us Your Fracking Money
Your Name Here University: Facing the Challenge and Opportunity of Bankruptcy
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