By Daniel Rigney
As a person of the curious persuasion, I want to know all the things They don’t want me to know. So I decide to ask a well-known search engine to find “what you’re not supposed to know.” The results are back. "Wow! Really?" Thanks, Internet, for clueing me in to all these forbidden truths.
One would normally have to go to the tabloids and infomercials to find information of this quality. And it's all right here at my fingertips.
At one site I discover an opportunity to send $27 and receive in return all sorts of secret ways to “make money, spend less, read minds, boost your IQ, get the real news, subliminally persuade people, detect lies, find treasure, and survive almost anything. Could you use that?” Could I?! This book should pay for itself in no time. At this price, I can’t afford not to buy it. Maybe I’ll order two.
As I continue to search, I discover some really cool secret codes, including secret police codes I’m not at liberty to divulge. There are also secret codewords that big stores use to alert sales associates to potential problems. In Walmart and other big boxes, for instance, a “Code Adam” means “missing child,” (or, more informally, “Satan’s spawn is on the loose”). Among tech people on computer help lines, PEBKAC discreetly means Problem Exists Between Chair and Computer. Similarly, PICNIC means Problem in Chair, Not in Computer.
I discover in my searches that “what you’re not supposed to know” and “what you aren’t supposed to know" are two entirely different questions. (Don’t even get me started on “what they don’t want you to know!”) Each question unlocks its own unique trove of forbidden truths, proving once again that how you ask the question often determines what kinds of answers you get.
Here are some amazing things I'm not supposed to know:
There are two versions of the Ten Commandments in the Bible – only one of which is rightly so-named.
One pope wrote an erotic book.
Both the U.S. and the USSR considered testing nuclear missiles on the moon.
Suicide rates are highest among the elderly. [The latter happens to be true, by the way.]
I learn several disturbing things about Big Government, Big Med and Big Pharma:
The government is nothing more than a gang of thugs in costume.
The CIA commits over 100,000 serious crimes each year.
Genetically engineered people walk among us.
If you drink milk, you may get leukemia and lymphoma.
Your microwave can make you sick.
Sunscreen is bad for you.
There is “mounting research” that chiropractors are good.
Swine flu can cause autism and other neurological disorders. If you allow yourself to be a guinea pig for Big Pharma, don’t say you weren’t warned.
Advertisers’ influence on the news media is widespread. [Now you’re really straining credulity.] Finally, the cover-ups and conspiracies:
They don't want you to know about the Roswell UFO crash.
They don't want you to know about the ancient aliens.
They don't want you to know about the rise of One World Government.
I'm tired of being lied to about these things. At last someone has had the courage to step forward and tell me the real truth.
To verify these facts, simply replicate the searches I did. Your searches should confirm that each of these choice bits of forbidden knowledge is indeed published fact. As Casey Stengel said, you can look it up.
One last word of advice: When you encounter published facts on the Internet, don’t overthink them. I read somewhere that overthinking is bad.
http://open.salon.com/blog/danagram
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