By Daniel Rigney
After much prayerful and financial consideration, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring for the Republican nomination for President of the United States.
I have a simple thirteen-point platform which speaks to the conscience of social conservatives and economic libertarians alike.
First, I stand firm in defense of freedom, liberty, liberty, freedom and liberty.
Second, I defer to no one in my staunch defense of the second half of the second amendment.
Third, I favor immigration reform, whatever that term may mean to you.
Fourth, I am for free enterprise and against socialism, unless free enterprise is global and destroys American jobs. Then I am for the American worker. But not the unionized kind.
Fifth, I am against government and for business. I am against Social Security and Medicare unless it directly affects your grandmother.
Sixth, I am for a strong defense. I believe in an increase in the military budget, and also a massive reduction in federal spending.
Seventh, I believe the greatest threat to America is the federal deficit, followed closely by atheism and foreign religions.
Eighth, I am for the interests of both the middle class and the job creators. The poor need to quit whining and get a job.
Ninth, I’m against every form of whining except tax whining.
Tenth, I believe in The Individual. I believe in Individual Responsibility. Did I mention I’m for freedom liberty, liberty, freedom and liberty?
Eleventh, I believe that the sanctity of life begins at conception and ends at birth. After birth, everyone is responsible for making good choices. Did I mention my firm and sincere belief in free will and individual responsibility?
Twelfth, I’m against social planning unless it is done by corporate advertisers, real estate developers and highway construction firms.
Finally, and most importantly, I’m for flying the American flag at every possible opportunity, especially in front of car dealerships both domestic and foreign.
Thank you for your vote. May God bless you if you vote Republican.
After much prayerful and financial consideration, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring for the Republican nomination for President of the United States.
I have a simple thirteen-point platform which speaks to the conscience of social conservatives and economic libertarians alike.
First, I stand firm in defense of freedom, liberty, liberty, freedom and liberty.
Second, I defer to no one in my staunch defense of the second half of the second amendment.
Third, I favor immigration reform, whatever that term may mean to you.
Fourth, I am for free enterprise and against socialism, unless free enterprise is global and destroys American jobs. Then I am for the American worker. But not the unionized kind.
Fifth, I am against government and for business. I am against Social Security and Medicare unless it directly affects your grandmother.
Sixth, I am for a strong defense. I believe in an increase in the military budget, and also a massive reduction in federal spending.
Seventh, I believe the greatest threat to America is the federal deficit, followed closely by atheism and foreign religions.
Eighth, I am for the interests of both the middle class and the job creators. The poor need to quit whining and get a job.
Ninth, I’m against every form of whining except tax whining.
Tenth, I believe in The Individual. I believe in Individual Responsibility. Did I mention I’m for freedom liberty, liberty, freedom and liberty?
Eleventh, I believe that the sanctity of life begins at conception and ends at birth. After birth, everyone is responsible for making good choices. Did I mention my firm and sincere belief in free will and individual responsibility?
Twelfth, I’m against social planning unless it is done by corporate advertisers, real estate developers and highway construction firms.
Finally, and most importantly, I’m for flying the American flag at every possible opportunity, especially in front of car dealerships both domestic and foreign.
Thank you for your vote. May God bless you if you vote Republican.
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