Satire by Daniel Rigney
Is life a business? Yes, life is a business. With the triumph of global capitalism and economic reductionism, there’s no further point in denying it. The scales are finally falling from my eyes, and I’m seeing the ‘real world’ clearly now, as though for the first time. Resistance is futile.
It really hit me that life means business when we moved to Houston not long ago, and I noticed that local sportswriters would sometimes refer to the Houston Astros as a corporate “brand” rather than as a human team. Local op-ed pages defended investments in the arts and education not by emphasizing what they contribute to the quality of life, but by how much value they could add to the Growth of the Houston Economy (GHE), the city’s implicit god.
I eventually came to understand that growth is always a good thing (except maybe in oncology), and that the bigger GHE gets, the better off we’ll all be. Don't you agree? I’ll take your silence as assent.
So finally I decided to go with the flow, to walk with the prevailing headwinds instead of against them. I hired a team from Busyness Consultants, Inc. to help me develop a personal business plan for my life, and to learn how to manage and market myself more effectively in the 'real world.'
I ponied up for their Silver Plan. The Gold Plan was too rich for my blood. In the Gold Plan, the team designs your entire life plan for you. Tempting, but it would have cost me an arm and a mind.
The surprisingly affordable Silver Plan offered a series of ascending steps toward a more successful life, where success is measured primarily in units of currency.
Here’s the plan I’ve bought into. Don’t tell anyone where you got it.
Counter these Debbie Downers with happy talk. Remind them that natural gas is actually a healthier alternative to coal and tobacco. Remind them that sun burns and wind can kill.
I’d tell you more about the Silver Plan, but I have to get back to work on my application to Tomorrowland Energy. How else am I going to pay for my new life here in the ‘real world’?
Danagram
P.S.: The Silver Plan is the intellectual property of the entirely fictional Busyness Consultants, Inc. Any retransmission, rebroadcast, or other unauthorized use of this post is strictly forgiven.
Is life a business? Yes, life is a business. With the triumph of global capitalism and economic reductionism, there’s no further point in denying it. The scales are finally falling from my eyes, and I’m seeing the ‘real world’ clearly now, as though for the first time. Resistance is futile.
It really hit me that life means business when we moved to Houston not long ago, and I noticed that local sportswriters would sometimes refer to the Houston Astros as a corporate “brand” rather than as a human team. Local op-ed pages defended investments in the arts and education not by emphasizing what they contribute to the quality of life, but by how much value they could add to the Growth of the Houston Economy (GHE), the city’s implicit god.
I eventually came to understand that growth is always a good thing (except maybe in oncology), and that the bigger GHE gets, the better off we’ll all be. Don't you agree? I’ll take your silence as assent.
So finally I decided to go with the flow, to walk with the prevailing headwinds instead of against them. I hired a team from Busyness Consultants, Inc. to help me develop a personal business plan for my life, and to learn how to manage and market myself more effectively in the 'real world.'
I ponied up for their Silver Plan. The Gold Plan was too rich for my blood. In the Gold Plan, the team designs your entire life plan for you. Tempting, but it would have cost me an arm and a mind.
The surprisingly affordable Silver Plan offered a series of ascending steps toward a more successful life, where success is measured primarily in units of currency.
Here’s the plan I’ve bought into. Don’t tell anyone where you got it.
First, compose a personal mission statement
that says concisely what value you hope to add to world’s TVP (total
value product). Suppose, for instance, that your life’s greatest mission
is to help save the world’s rapidly deteriorating ecosystem for future
generations. What talents and skills can you bring to the vision
of creating a more sustainable world? By maximizing your life’s
value-added, you benefit yourself and the world simultaneously. The value-added life is a win-win life, as grandma used to say.
Second, derive at least three specific goals
from your mission statement (e.g., I will devote my life to helping
promote natural gas as a safer, cleaner alternative to coal and
tobacco.)
For each goal, identify at least three specific objectives, with measurable outcomes,
that will move you forward toward your goal and the fulfillment of your
mission (e.g., I will educate at least five new people each week
regarding the many remarkable benefits of natural gas.)
Metrics. Metrics. Metrics.
Keep online charts and graphs of your performance on each of your
measures. Save these in the cloud, where they’ll be safe from fire,
mildew and prying eyes. This way you’ll get continuously updated performance feedback, from which you can make the necessary midcourse adjustments and monitor your continuous improvement.
Check
regularly to see whether you’ve been spreading the good news about
natural gas as you’ve promised yourself you would. Well? What do the
data show? Is it time to renew your faith and commitment to natural gas,
and to yourself?
Now design your self-marketing plan. First, work on creating a clear and memorable brand and slogan for yourself. (e.g., “Hi! I’m Eco Friendly! I’m cleaner than most. I’m odorless. I’m affordable.”) Remember: You are your brand.
Once you know your brand, create a resumé that turns your human qualities into a corporate “skill set.” In job interviews, speak convincingly of your passion for ExCel, or for business meetings, or for gas, or whatever.
Implement your personal marketing plan and cultivate multiple revenue streams.
For instance, if you're submitting an online job application to
Tomorrowland Energy, ask “How can I add value to your enterprise?” Start
an “Up with Gas” blog, and solicit ad revenue from
environmentally-concerned carbon companies. Date generous natural gas
executives.
Friends are potential career assets, so cultivate profitable friendships. Work on your networking skills,
and above all, learn to work a room efficiently. Don't waste time on
people who can't help you move forward toward your life's goal of
promoting safe, clean natural gas.
Above all, be positive. In Houston we know that positive thinking
has the power to transform external reality into your personal fantasy
of it. Don’t pay attention to those who say that fracking natural gas
will only prolong the world’s reliance on carbon fuels, or that
switching from coal and oil to natural gas is like switching from
unfiltered to filtered cigarettes and calling it a cure for cancer.
Don’t believe the granola huggers when they say natural gas isn’t a
bridge to renewable fuels, but more like an endless causeway, or a
roadblock to renewable alternatives. Counter these Debbie Downers with happy talk. Remind them that natural gas is actually a healthier alternative to coal and tobacco. Remind them that sun burns and wind can kill.
I’d tell you more about the Silver Plan, but I have to get back to work on my application to Tomorrowland Energy. How else am I going to pay for my new life here in the ‘real world’?
Danagram
P.S.: The Silver Plan is the intellectual property of the entirely fictional Busyness Consultants, Inc. Any retransmission, rebroadcast, or other unauthorized use of this post is strictly forgiven.
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