By Daniel Rigney
Of all the weary clichés in American political speech, the most exhausted may be the phrase “political correctness.” Every time I hear it, I want to provoke thought by asking, “Which kind?”
When conservatives invoke the term, as they often do, they’re usually referring to people presumed to adhere strictly to left-liberal orthodoxies. These may include (listed alphabetically) atheists, birdwatchers, civil rights activists and civil libertarians, Democrats, environmentalists and egalitarians, feminists, gays and Greens, Hollywood celebrities, intellectuals, joggers, kale eaters, latte drinkers and librarians, marijuanists, New Yorkers, organic farmers, progressive populists, Quakers, research scientists, socialists, unionists and Unitarians, vegetarians, women, ex-men, young idealists and zipcar drivers.
But there’s another species of political rectitude, which we might call “conservative correctness,” whose adherents hew toward the orthodoxies of the right. The conservatively correct among us are stereotypically found (again in alphabetical order) among A-staters*, birthers, carbonists and climate denialists, death penalists, energy guzzlers, foxnewsers, gold and gun hoarders, heartless bastards, immigrant haters and Islamophobes, jethros, kochheads, limbaugh lovers, market worshippers and militarists, neo-Confederates, Obama-trashers, queer-bashers, racists, sexists, teabaggers and tree-killers, union-busters, vigilantes, waterboarders, xenophobes, yahoos, and zealots.
If you’re on both stereotype lists – say, you’re both a jogger and a tree-hater – you’ll need to take the following simple five-question test to discern whether you qualify as an authentically correct conservative.
If you answered 'yes' to one or more of these questions, congratulations! You’re conservatively correct! A certificate of conservative authenticity, suitable for framing, can be yours for just $49.95 while supplies last.
Don’t make us question your patriotism. Order now at this toll-free number … 1-800-555-$$$$.
Danagram
*States whose names begin with ‘A’ (Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, and Arkansas) all went dark red in the 2008 and 2012 presidential elections. Coincidence? Or evidence of a conspiracy to lure conservatives to one confining end of the alphabet?
Of all the weary clichés in American political speech, the most exhausted may be the phrase “political correctness.” Every time I hear it, I want to provoke thought by asking, “Which kind?”
When conservatives invoke the term, as they often do, they’re usually referring to people presumed to adhere strictly to left-liberal orthodoxies. These may include (listed alphabetically) atheists, birdwatchers, civil rights activists and civil libertarians, Democrats, environmentalists and egalitarians, feminists, gays and Greens, Hollywood celebrities, intellectuals, joggers, kale eaters, latte drinkers and librarians, marijuanists, New Yorkers, organic farmers, progressive populists, Quakers, research scientists, socialists, unionists and Unitarians, vegetarians, women, ex-men, young idealists and zipcar drivers.
But there’s another species of political rectitude, which we might call “conservative correctness,” whose adherents hew toward the orthodoxies of the right. The conservatively correct among us are stereotypically found (again in alphabetical order) among A-staters*, birthers, carbonists and climate denialists, death penalists, energy guzzlers, foxnewsers, gold and gun hoarders, heartless bastards, immigrant haters and Islamophobes, jethros, kochheads, limbaugh lovers, market worshippers and militarists, neo-Confederates, Obama-trashers, queer-bashers, racists, sexists, teabaggers and tree-killers, union-busters, vigilantes, waterboarders, xenophobes, yahoos, and zealots.
If you’re on both stereotype lists – say, you’re both a jogger and a tree-hater – you’ll need to take the following simple five-question test to discern whether you qualify as an authentically correct conservative.
1. 1. Do you believe that government is always the problem and free enterprise is always the solution?
2.
2. Do you believe that cream should be free to float naturally to the
top of the milk jug, without being subjected to coercive socialist
homogenization?
3. .3. Do you believe that a Muslim atheist from Red Kenya is living in the White House?
4. 4. Do you believe that dying for lack of health insurance is a right, not a privilege?
5. 5. Have you never met an American war you didn’t like?
If you answered 'yes' to one or more of these questions, congratulations! You’re conservatively correct! A certificate of conservative authenticity, suitable for framing, can be yours for just $49.95 while supplies last.
Don’t make us question your patriotism. Order now at this toll-free number … 1-800-555-$$$$.
Danagram
*States whose names begin with ‘A’ (Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, and Arkansas) all went dark red in the 2008 and 2012 presidential elections. Coincidence? Or evidence of a conspiracy to lure conservatives to one confining end of the alphabet?
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