By Daniel Rigney Metropolitan University is pleased
to announce the launch of a new degree program in Suburban Studies
beginning in the fall term. Here’s a sneak preview of tentative course
offerings.
SS 101: Introduction to Suburban Life. The historical transition from rural to urban and suburban human settlements, with a focus on the tumorous growth of suburbs in the United States since World War II. Field exercises will include fast food tastings, retail therapy, and simulations of stationary freeway traffic in the stadium parking lot.
SS 201: Suburban Design: Essential principles of suburban planning as practiced by real estate developers, highway construction companies, and their political associates. Topics include the planning and naming of subdivisions (e.g., “Forest Park” to describe a residential community built on swampland) and the commercial creation of artificial human communities. Quasi-legal strategies for securing public subsidies and infrastructure for private benefit. Private planning as “vision and foresight” vs. public planning as “Stalinism.”
SS 202: Suburban Values: Topics may include the spiritualization of commodities, shopping and dining as sources of existential meaning, and competitive materialism as an individual and team sport. Ethnic and class flight as rational responses to the horrors of urban savagery as seen on giant high-definition television and Cineplex screens.
SS 203: Suburban Childhood and Education: Protection of suburban youth from urban predators by scheduling supervised activities (academic, athletic, religious, artistic, social) during all waking hours. Friend-filtering. Homework and college application management. Helicopter parenting to at least the age of 30.
SS 204: Ethnic and Economic Flight: Migration of the more advantaged to ever newer suburbs as city neighborhoods and older suburbs deteriorate and attract less desirable residents. Fear of poor people as a real estate marketing tool, exploiting the prospect of suburban decay in older subdivisions.
SS 205: Suburban Security Systems. Analysis of security systems as a response to the crushing fears and anxieties of suburban life. Price-gated communities. Private police forces. Advanced checkpoint, alarm, lock and home surveillance systems. Guard dogs. Personal armories. Tranquilizers and sedatives.
SS 301: Sprawl Theory: The “bigger is better” principle as it applies to residential homes and lawns, garage size, and commercial (e.g., mall and big box retail) expansion. Continual improvement of natural and agricultural land through the addition of concrete and asphalt.
SS 302: Mall Theory: Shopping malls as contemporary town squares – their economic and cultural role as hotbeds of social intercourse. The anchor-store to kiosk continuum. Newer vs. older malls (a.k.a. ghost malls). The encroachment of big box stores and e-commerce on the traditional indoor arcade. The challenge of finding a restroom in a mall when you really need one.
SS 303: Suburban Transportation Systems. Competitive driving and freeway strategy. Comparative prestige ratings of top sedans and SUVs. The Zen of driving during rush hour. Public transit as a desperate last option.
SS 401: The Future of Suburbs: This capstone course will examine alternative suburban futures: moving farther outward (exurbanization, computing to work), moving back to the city (reurbanization and gentrification), or sheltering in place and hoping the urban predators you saw on television don’t come looking for you.
This curriculum will be available online for those who are afraid to leave their houses.
Danagram
SS 101: Introduction to Suburban Life. The historical transition from rural to urban and suburban human settlements, with a focus on the tumorous growth of suburbs in the United States since World War II. Field exercises will include fast food tastings, retail therapy, and simulations of stationary freeway traffic in the stadium parking lot.
SS 201: Suburban Design: Essential principles of suburban planning as practiced by real estate developers, highway construction companies, and their political associates. Topics include the planning and naming of subdivisions (e.g., “Forest Park” to describe a residential community built on swampland) and the commercial creation of artificial human communities. Quasi-legal strategies for securing public subsidies and infrastructure for private benefit. Private planning as “vision and foresight” vs. public planning as “Stalinism.”
SS 202: Suburban Values: Topics may include the spiritualization of commodities, shopping and dining as sources of existential meaning, and competitive materialism as an individual and team sport. Ethnic and class flight as rational responses to the horrors of urban savagery as seen on giant high-definition television and Cineplex screens.
SS 203: Suburban Childhood and Education: Protection of suburban youth from urban predators by scheduling supervised activities (academic, athletic, religious, artistic, social) during all waking hours. Friend-filtering. Homework and college application management. Helicopter parenting to at least the age of 30.
SS 204: Ethnic and Economic Flight: Migration of the more advantaged to ever newer suburbs as city neighborhoods and older suburbs deteriorate and attract less desirable residents. Fear of poor people as a real estate marketing tool, exploiting the prospect of suburban decay in older subdivisions.
SS 205: Suburban Security Systems. Analysis of security systems as a response to the crushing fears and anxieties of suburban life. Price-gated communities. Private police forces. Advanced checkpoint, alarm, lock and home surveillance systems. Guard dogs. Personal armories. Tranquilizers and sedatives.
SS 301: Sprawl Theory: The “bigger is better” principle as it applies to residential homes and lawns, garage size, and commercial (e.g., mall and big box retail) expansion. Continual improvement of natural and agricultural land through the addition of concrete and asphalt.
SS 302: Mall Theory: Shopping malls as contemporary town squares – their economic and cultural role as hotbeds of social intercourse. The anchor-store to kiosk continuum. Newer vs. older malls (a.k.a. ghost malls). The encroachment of big box stores and e-commerce on the traditional indoor arcade. The challenge of finding a restroom in a mall when you really need one.
SS 303: Suburban Transportation Systems. Competitive driving and freeway strategy. Comparative prestige ratings of top sedans and SUVs. The Zen of driving during rush hour. Public transit as a desperate last option.
SS 401: The Future of Suburbs: This capstone course will examine alternative suburban futures: moving farther outward (exurbanization, computing to work), moving back to the city (reurbanization and gentrification), or sheltering in place and hoping the urban predators you saw on television don’t come looking for you.
This curriculum will be available online for those who are afraid to leave their houses.
Danagram
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