Satire by Daniel Rigney
I'm dreaming that the GOP's Tea Party wing will one day (soon, I hope) secede from the party of Abe Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, and Dwight Eisenhower and establish a separate far-right party of its own. If that day comes, the new party's Declaration of Independence might sound something ... like ... this:
When in the Course of American events it becomes necessary for one Republican faction to dissolve the political bands which have connected it with another, and to assume among the powers of politics the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Supply and Demand and their Market God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of true conservatives requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all older white men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Wealth. --That to secure these rights, political parties are instituted among men and non-men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the prosperous. --That whenever any political party becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the far right to institute a new Party, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Power and Pelf.
Let Factoids be submitted to a candid world. The Republican Party, hereafter to be known as the RINO Party, has failed to assent to laws necessary for the private good.
It has shown signs of softness and weakness in its response to the perilous threats of taxism, immigrationism, environmentalism, secularism, socialist securityism, medicarism, feminism, unionism, atheism, vegetarianism, homoeroticism and Sharia Law.
It has shown symptoms of moderation in the defense of liberty, and compromise and conciliation in its intercourse with the Democrat Party, hereafter to be called the Enemies of Freedom.
We, therefore, the underwriters of the Tea Party and their duly procured Representatives, do solemnly publish and declare that all political connection between the Tea Party and the RINO Party be totally dissolved, and that this newly constituted Party has the full Power to levy political War, contract Alliances, establish Commerce and its Chambers, and do all other Acts and Things which independent Parties may by right do.
And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Property, we mutually pledge to each other our Lies, our Fortune subscriptions, and our sacred Hummers.
David Koch
Charles Koch
Ted Cruz
Rick Perry
Rand Paul
Paul Ryan
Eric Cantor
Rush Limbaugh
Rupert Murdoch Steven Colbert
Non-men (counted as 3/5 of a man)
Sarah Palin
Michele Bachmann
Ann Coulter
Ayn Rand's ghost
Danagram
I'm dreaming that the GOP's Tea Party wing will one day (soon, I hope) secede from the party of Abe Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, and Dwight Eisenhower and establish a separate far-right party of its own. If that day comes, the new party's Declaration of Independence might sound something ... like ... this:
When in the Course of American events it becomes necessary for one Republican faction to dissolve the political bands which have connected it with another, and to assume among the powers of politics the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Supply and Demand and their Market God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of true conservatives requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all older white men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Wealth. --That to secure these rights, political parties are instituted among men and non-men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the prosperous. --That whenever any political party becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the far right to institute a new Party, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Power and Pelf.
Let Factoids be submitted to a candid world. The Republican Party, hereafter to be known as the RINO Party, has failed to assent to laws necessary for the private good.
It has shown signs of softness and weakness in its response to the perilous threats of taxism, immigrationism, environmentalism, secularism, socialist securityism, medicarism, feminism, unionism, atheism, vegetarianism, homoeroticism and Sharia Law.
It has shown symptoms of moderation in the defense of liberty, and compromise and conciliation in its intercourse with the Democrat Party, hereafter to be called the Enemies of Freedom.
We, therefore, the underwriters of the Tea Party and their duly procured Representatives, do solemnly publish and declare that all political connection between the Tea Party and the RINO Party be totally dissolved, and that this newly constituted Party has the full Power to levy political War, contract Alliances, establish Commerce and its Chambers, and do all other Acts and Things which independent Parties may by right do.
And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Property, we mutually pledge to each other our Lies, our Fortune subscriptions, and our sacred Hummers.
David Koch
Charles Koch
Ted Cruz
Rick Perry
Rand Paul
Paul Ryan
Eric Cantor
Rush Limbaugh
Rupert Murdoch Steven Colbert
Non-men (counted as 3/5 of a man)
Sarah Palin
Michele Bachmann
Ann Coulter
Ayn Rand's ghost
Danagram
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