Creative Driving
By Daniel Rigney
If your town is like mine, driving a car is like playing a video game. Objects pop out from nowhere. Cars, trucks, buses, SUVs, bicycles, pedestrians and road hazards of every imaginable kind lunge out to get you, or to make you accidentally do something you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting, even after you get out of prison.
I’m not complaining. I’m a positive thinker. I firmly and sincerely believe that our lives are whatever we make them. We create reality in our own heads. I must have wanted Houston traffic to be a screaming nightmare from the underlife, or I wouldn’t have created it this way.
For all I know, I may be the driver from the underlife in other people’s nightmares. In fact, I’m pretty sure I am. Why else would they keep honking at me and shooting me the digitized message (00100) every time I try to drive creatively?
I thought creativity was supposed to be a good thing in America. What is this? Russia?
I deal with bad traffic in three simple ways. I leave the house as little as possible. (Did Emily Dickinson die in a car wreck? Think about it.) If I have to go somewhere, I drive between rush hour and rush hour. (In Houston, that’s between 1 and 5 a.m.) And I take back streets. Never, if I can help it, do I drive on freeways, especially in the city. Maybe a freeway through the desert if it’s not rush hour.
If you follow these three simple rules you’ll rarely go anywhere, but you’ll rarely be lost, and you probably won’t be among the 33,000 Americans in the U.S. last year who went to meet their automaker on our highways and byways.
As I’ve said, I’m a positive thinker, so I’ll put an encouraging spin on that traffic fatality statistic. It’s uplifting to know that the annual figure was 42,000 less than a decade ago. Our streets and highways have been getting safer and safer. I’m sure the reasons for this are complex. For one thing, I’m staying home more. I’m saving up for a trip to the gas station.
But if I must get into traffic, I try to drive creatively. I’ve perfected several four-wheeled maneuvers that boost me forward toward my short-term goals, like buying groceries. I don’t have time to go into all of my creative driving techniques here, but let me mention a few.
First, there is the diagonal parking lot shortcut. Go fast to beat competing vehicles to your parking space about a quarter-mile away. Just remember, though, that other drivers are also doing the creative cut-across from other directions.
Second, view stop signs and stop lights as driving suggestions, like they do in Rome and Mexico City. Too much regulation stifles the creative spirit. I’m against traffic overregulation on principle. Overregulation is any rule I don’t like.
Third, if you’re on the freeway, drive at the same speed as the rest of the traffic. Don’t recklessly obey speed laws by slowing to 60 from the more typical 85 (Houston Standard Speed). Obeying the law may put the lives of other motorists in danger. It’s okay to use others as an excuse to drive too fast, because they’re using you as an excuse to do the same.
Fourth, always know which lane you’re supposed to be in. If the lane you need is not available, make one for yourself. You’re in a hurry, and life is short.
Finally – and I can’t emphasize this too much – changing lanes should be viewed not just as a way to cut twenty seconds off the length of your trip, but also as an opportunity to display your driving skills and bust a few road moves: the Bob and Weave, the Dodge and Dart, the Bluff, the Brake Dance. You know, the usual driver’s skill set. You may even want to create some of your own signature moves. Surprise us.
You can show your appreciation for the creative driving of others by giving these imaginative road artists a round of applause-honks. Or by finger-texting them the digitized message (00100) as a way to recognize and honor innovative performance in a road show.
Meanwhile, I’m walking to the metro stop. Let somebody else play this video game. And hey. Be careful out there.*
*Exit line from “Hill Street Blues,” circa 1985.
-- Danagram, curating our precious comedy heritage since 2011 at open.salon.com/blog/danagram
By Daniel Rigney
If your town is like mine, driving a car is like playing a video game. Objects pop out from nowhere. Cars, trucks, buses, SUVs, bicycles, pedestrians and road hazards of every imaginable kind lunge out to get you, or to make you accidentally do something you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting, even after you get out of prison.
I’m not complaining. I’m a positive thinker. I firmly and sincerely believe that our lives are whatever we make them. We create reality in our own heads. I must have wanted Houston traffic to be a screaming nightmare from the underlife, or I wouldn’t have created it this way.
For all I know, I may be the driver from the underlife in other people’s nightmares. In fact, I’m pretty sure I am. Why else would they keep honking at me and shooting me the digitized message (00100) every time I try to drive creatively?
I thought creativity was supposed to be a good thing in America. What is this? Russia?
I deal with bad traffic in three simple ways. I leave the house as little as possible. (Did Emily Dickinson die in a car wreck? Think about it.) If I have to go somewhere, I drive between rush hour and rush hour. (In Houston, that’s between 1 and 5 a.m.) And I take back streets. Never, if I can help it, do I drive on freeways, especially in the city. Maybe a freeway through the desert if it’s not rush hour.
If you follow these three simple rules you’ll rarely go anywhere, but you’ll rarely be lost, and you probably won’t be among the 33,000 Americans in the U.S. last year who went to meet their automaker on our highways and byways.
As I’ve said, I’m a positive thinker, so I’ll put an encouraging spin on that traffic fatality statistic. It’s uplifting to know that the annual figure was 42,000 less than a decade ago. Our streets and highways have been getting safer and safer. I’m sure the reasons for this are complex. For one thing, I’m staying home more. I’m saving up for a trip to the gas station.
But if I must get into traffic, I try to drive creatively. I’ve perfected several four-wheeled maneuvers that boost me forward toward my short-term goals, like buying groceries. I don’t have time to go into all of my creative driving techniques here, but let me mention a few.
First, there is the diagonal parking lot shortcut. Go fast to beat competing vehicles to your parking space about a quarter-mile away. Just remember, though, that other drivers are also doing the creative cut-across from other directions.
Second, view stop signs and stop lights as driving suggestions, like they do in Rome and Mexico City. Too much regulation stifles the creative spirit. I’m against traffic overregulation on principle. Overregulation is any rule I don’t like.
Third, if you’re on the freeway, drive at the same speed as the rest of the traffic. Don’t recklessly obey speed laws by slowing to 60 from the more typical 85 (Houston Standard Speed). Obeying the law may put the lives of other motorists in danger. It’s okay to use others as an excuse to drive too fast, because they’re using you as an excuse to do the same.
Fourth, always know which lane you’re supposed to be in. If the lane you need is not available, make one for yourself. You’re in a hurry, and life is short.
Finally – and I can’t emphasize this too much – changing lanes should be viewed not just as a way to cut twenty seconds off the length of your trip, but also as an opportunity to display your driving skills and bust a few road moves: the Bob and Weave, the Dodge and Dart, the Bluff, the Brake Dance. You know, the usual driver’s skill set. You may even want to create some of your own signature moves. Surprise us.
You can show your appreciation for the creative driving of others by giving these imaginative road artists a round of applause-honks. Or by finger-texting them the digitized message (00100) as a way to recognize and honor innovative performance in a road show.
Meanwhile, I’m walking to the metro stop. Let somebody else play this video game. And hey. Be careful out there.*
*Exit line from “Hill Street Blues,” circa 1985.
-- Danagram, curating our precious comedy heritage since 2011 at open.salon.com/blog/danagram
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